You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
