she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
