Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
