the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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