Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
