when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
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the room spins SO much faster in panama
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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