K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
