i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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