listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
