i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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