I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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