The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
