plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All the doctor said was why
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