just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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