Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
