I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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