i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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