seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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