hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Sorry my hands just texted you
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
