Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
