This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
