Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
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well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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