wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
