They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
