HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
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He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
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You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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