i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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