he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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