all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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