FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
