I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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