Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
