if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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