I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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