i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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