I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
