The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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