dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I checked into jail on foursquare
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My vagina is officially offended.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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