I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
