The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
