i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
