were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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