That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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