There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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