I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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