Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
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Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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