I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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