I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
