I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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