I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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