I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
