my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
