Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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