I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
