If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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