Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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